I want to discuss the nature of fear with you, from an evolutionary standpoint.

More specifically, I want to talk about fear of the dark, which, despite inspiring the greatest show Nickelodeon ever aired, is really very inconvenient. I do not enjoy seeing vampires and rapists in every shadowed corner.

Fear of the Dark (FoD from here on) must have had a beginning: at some point in our evolutionary history, some poor prick was born with what must have seemed a laughable phobia to everyone else around at said point. While they surely teased him, his irrational fear of dark spaces (dark is an adjective here, no abbreviation) trumped their inability to work out that tigers were nocturnal, and so Johnny-FoD outlived and outbred them.

So far this makes sense - we have established how FoD better enabled Johnny to distribute and care for his world-defining semen. But Johnny and I got beef.

Before we continue, I want you to consider, for a moment, just how cool nightvision is. It is really very cool, so cool in fact that governments and hobbyists will shell out between $50 and $10,000 dollars (thank you amazon) for the pleasure of enjoying what your housecat takes for granted every day.

Johnny had the audacity to, while still pre-natal, make the game-changing decision to puss out everytime the sun went down instead of making his retinas work a little harder. Bad call, Johnny. You are the reason I'm about to blow $50.

And, for the record, owning nightvision goggles doesn't make someone a stalker; I do wish people would think for a minute before yelling accusations out their windows at 3 in the morning. People are trying to be watched sleeping.